


Oh, was that it?

by anastasiatremaine



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Bisexual Jimmy, Declarations Of Love, Helpful Anna, M/M, bisexual awakening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-15 08:59:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11227656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastasiatremaine/pseuds/anastasiatremaine
Summary: Jimmy realizes his feelings about Thomas are becoming more complex than he thought, and seeks to understand them, and finally do something about them. Not really M but more than T imo.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After I churned out my other Thommy fanfic in only a few hours, titled "No Longer Alone At All", this one was created in a different way, and I've spent a bit more time on it. I don't know how many chapters it will be, maybe five? I just wanted to tell a more in-depth story and a more detailed exploration of Jimmy's feelings about Thomas, and how Thomas responds. Also in my other fic, Thomas was more soft and sad, and in this one he has more of a bite. 
> 
> I don't know if there will be any explicit love scenes, but I feel weird tagging it T when there might be in the future, hence the M rating. So I'm sorry if anyone feels duped but I figured better safe than sorry. There is lots of romance and lovey stuff so hopefully that will be just as good as sexy stuff. Please review (:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After I churned out my other Thommy fanfic in only a few hours, titled "No Longer Alone At All", this one was created in a different way, and I've spent a bit more time on it. I don't know how many chapters it will be, maybe five? I just wanted to tell a more in-depth story and a more detailed exploration of Jimmy's feelings about Thomas, and how Thomas responds. Also in my other fic, Thomas was more soft and sad, and in this one he has more of a bite.
> 
> I don't know if there will be any explicit love scenes, but I feel weird tagging it T when there might be in the future, hence the M rating. So I'm sorry if anyone feels duped but I figured better safe than sorry. There is lots of romance and lovey stuff so hopefully that will be just as good as sexy stuff. Please review (:

He was staring again. He realized and turned away before Thomas saw. Whenever he thought Thomas couldn’t see him, he’d sneak a glance, and end up just- staring. A few times Thomas had caught him and Jimmy had had to awkwardly look away or pretend he’d been looking at something behind him. It needed to stop.

But he couldn’t stop. And he didn’t know why.

Sometimes he’d catch himself remembering the night Thomas had kissed him. Sometimes he dreamed about it. Sometimes he’d see the way Mrs Bates looked at Mr Bates, and it touched something in the back of his mind, like a melody he couldn’t quite remember, and then he’d see Thomas and, _oh, was that it?_ He needed to focus on other things.

But he couldn’t focus. And he didn’t know why. _Did he?_

They were eating breakfast, and it was going to be a long day. The house had guests, and there was going to be some outdoor party or event or something, whatever it was the upstairs folks put together. Maybe it was racing? Or shooting? They were all the same. And the servants would have to be out under the sun all day. Jimmy was enjoying the time indoors while he could. He would miss the shade when they left. _And he’d miss the feel of Thomas’ arm touching his as they sat side by side-_

Jimmy closed his eyes, hard, and inhaled. The others were talking amongst themselves; he hoped they wouldn’t notice.

They noticed.

Jimmy heard the conversation fade away. He felt the others’ stares. He realized they were waiting for him to speak.

“Oh! Erm- sorry?” he managed to say, looking around. “Didn’t catch that?”

Mr Carson glared at him. “Mrs Hughes was asking if you would help with…”

“Of course, Mr Carson, apologies Mrs Hughes.” Jimmy replied robotically, not really listening to the request, nodding emphatically to try and hide his inattention. The warmth of Thomas’ arm against his was fogging up his brain.

He didn’t know why. _He did._

“Awfully dreamy today, Jimmy,” Thomas said as he stood to depart the table. Jimmy missed his presence immediately. He stared up at Thomas’ face, his perfect, marble-esque face, a beat too long.

“Dreamy,” he finally answered, “Yes, Thomas.”

Thomas quirked his head to the side, and his brow furrowed- a classic Thomas gesture- but he said nothing- a not so classic Thomas gesture.

Jimmy’s entire head followed Thomas as he left the room, amidst the other servants.

Jimmy groaned and put his head in one hand. This was so confusing. _Except part of it didn’t feel confusing, or cloudy, it felt clear as a bell, clear as the sky was sure to be on this summer day-_

“Are you sure you’re alright, Jimmy?” Anna’s voice floated into the room after a time. He looked up; she was hovering in the hallway, passing by the table. “You really do seem off.”

“Anna… Mrs Bates, I mean-“ Jimmy began,

“-Anna is fine, Jimmy, it’s my name after all,” she replied, laughing. She walked a step further into the room.

“Can I ask you something, and you won’t tell anyone?” Jimmy said, surprising himself. He wasn’t one to normally ask for help. But he felt like Anna would keep his confidence, and he was desperate to let some of this… this feeling, this confusion… let some of it out.

“Of course, Jimmy, what is it?” Her brow knit as she came a few steps closer, the smile fading a bit.

“I-” The words wouldn’t come. Anna knew Thomas, she seemed to be one of the very few people who didn’t outright dislike him, even after the bad blood between him and her husband. But, still…

He tried again. “I-”

Nothing.

Jimmy swallowed. He started to speak a third time, but when he faintly heard Mr Carson’s disapproving grumble, the words unclear as the sound traveled from outdoors, Jimmy’s eyes darted to the doorway. What if someone came in?

Anna’s gaze followed Jimmy’s, and she seemed to understand. She closed the distance to the table, pulled a chair and sat opposite him.

“It’s alright, Jimmy. Everyone is either outside organizing- which, I might add, you should be as well, as Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes just asked you to,” the gentle laugh was back in her voice. She was trying to relax him a bit with some friendly jabbing. She could see it wasn’t working. Jimmy’s eyes were wide, he looked terrified. “… or they’re already on their way to the field and helping receive any additional guests.”

Jimmy nodded, but didn’t speak.

“We’re quite alone Jimmy, and should be for a while longer,” she added, leaning in closer and lowering her voice.

Jimmy nodded.

“… Which means, you can speak freely. No one will hear you. I won’t say anything, I promise,” she said, practically whispering, trying to coax him.

He swallowed. He trusted Anna, but he couldn’t tell her about Thomas, about his feelings. He just couldn’t. He couldn’t make the words come. How could he, when he wasn’t even sure what his feelings were?

He seized upon that idea. If he couldn’t confess the almost-formed secret weighing in his heart, perhaps Anna could help him form it more clearly.

He swallowed again. “You’re married.”

Anna sat back a little, surprised. “Yes…”

“What I mean to say is, you’re in love?” he added. “Presumably?”

Anna smiled slightly, as she did whenever she thought of John. “Yes, Jimmy. I am.”

Jimmy saw the smile spreading over her face, he heard the bashful joy in her voice. He saw the happiness in her eyes as she thought of him, even as the confusion at his question remained there. _Is that what love looks like?_

 _That’s what I sometimes see on Thomas’ face when he looks at me, isn’t it?_ The thought made something in Jimmy’s ribs flip over.

“How did you know?” he finally said. He heard the words come out but couldn’t remember forming the question in his mind. He supposed the question didn’t come from his mind, did it, but somewhere else. “How did you know you loved him?”

 _Ah,_ Anna thought. _That’s what’s bothering him._

“Well, Jimmy, I think if you have to ask, you probably know,” she started. When she saw the look of desperation fade not a jot, she sighed and narrowed her eyes slightly as she thought.

Jimmy watched her consider. _If you have to ask, you probably know._

“If I’m being honest, I think I loved him the first time I saw him,” Anna was saying.

_It definitely wasn’t like that with me._

“I saw something in him that he didn’t see himself. I thought he was a good man, who had been disadvantaged, who had secrets… at first, I just wanted to help him.”

Jimmy swallowed. This was familiar.

“But love… love is more than that,” she continued. “Love is the small things- you notice their hair,” _Thomas’ hair was black as night, even in the sunlight, even as he stood outside on this day with the light gleaming on him, it would still be black_ , “You notice their voice,” _Thomas’ voice was clipped most of the time, but sometimes… sometimes it was soft, and earnest,_ “Their eyes,” _Thomas’ eyes were muted blue and gray, gray as a storm at sea, sharp and quick-_

“… Are you with me?” Anna asked. She had been watching Jimmy’s face as she spoke. Slowly the expression had changed from scared to tender. _Oh. He knows,_ she thought to herself. Maybe she could help him realize it himself.

“Yes, yes, I am. What else?” he answered her, quickly.

She smirked slightly, but continued. “Well, it’s the small things. But it’s the big things too. You can’t stop thinking about them,” _That’s a given._ “You want to help them almost at any cost, you can’t imagine your life without them.” _Check. Check. Fuck._

“And more than that, you feel more yourself with them… you feel as though a part of you had been missing that you hadn’t noticed, until they came along and filled it,” Anna finished.

Jimmy swallowed again. As Anna spoke, Jimmy realized her words fit perfectly to what Jimmy was feeling.

“I mean, isn’t that just friendship, though?” Jimmy asked, hating himself for the desperation in his voice. “You help your friends, you care about them? They’re an important part of your life?” He was leaning across the table, one of his hands waving erratically as he spoke.

Anna looked into Jimmy’s eyes, smiled, and looked away. She couldn’t look at him and say what she was going to say next. “There are some things you want to do with someone you love that you don’t want to do with your friends, Jimmy,” she told the paint of the dining room wall.

She didn’t have to look back at him to know he had gone red. Jimmy closed his eyes at the remark, feeling his cheeks warm. Those dreams of Thomas’ kiss…

Biting her lip to try to keep her smile from spreading, Anna turned back.

“Jimmy, love is more than just a list of things to check off. When you love someone…” Anna paused, searching for the words. She looked into Jimmy’s face again. His blush was fading. His eyes weren’t as clouded with confusion as they were a few moments before, but clear.

“When you love someone, you love them.” She shrugged, a simple gesture for a simple concept. “You can feel it, you can feel it in your bones, in your chest, in your hands. You know.”

_I know._

Anna could tell her words had reached him. The vestiges of confusion faded away. He still looked scared though. Anna looked away again. She had said all she could. The rest was up to him.

“But what if…” she heard his voice so small and so quiet, she might have imagined it. “What if it’s someone… you’re not supposed to love?”

Anna looked back. He didn’t meet her eyes. He was looking to his side, at the seat next to him. The seat Thomas had been in. _Oh._

Anna tried not to look shocked, but she hadn’t expected this. Jimmy was such a flirt, such a ladies man. She knew Thomas was sweet on Jimmy, and Jimmy likewise was friendly with Thomas but Jimmy didn’t feel… Jimmy wasn’t… wasn’t…

But he was. Anna could see it in his face. His expression was so soft. She felt so flattered that she had trusted her with this, realizing what a dangerous thing it was to do. Her initial incredulity seemed… insensitive. It faded away.

She reached her hand over and grabbed Jimmy’s. He jerked his head back to her- he hadn’t even realized his gaze had wandered. _Did she see? Did she see where I was looking? Does she know?_

“Jimmy?” Thomas’ voice from the hall reached Jimmy’s ears. _Fuck._ “Oh, and Mrs Bates,” Thomas added in surprise as he entered the room and saw her.

Jimmy looked up at him, and he knew his expression still held its serene quality that had settled over it as Anna talked. It amazed him how he saw Thomas every day, sometimes nearly all day, and it wasn’t enough. He could gaze at him for hours, he thought. Something rose inside his chest, and it choked his voice. “ _You feel it in your chest,”_ Anna had said. _Oh, God. I love him._

“Mr Carson wants to know where you got off to,” he added, the annoyance apparent in his tone as Jimmy remained silent. Jimmy swallowed, willing the single tear starting to form in his eye away.

“He’ll only be a moment, Thomas, I’ll make sure he gets to Mr Carson. I’ll make something up,” Anna answered when it was apparent Jimmy couldn’t.

Now it was Thomas’ turn to be silent. “Thank you, Mrs Bates, that’s very kind,” he replied after a beat. He wasn’t used to people being kind, although Anna was kinder than most. Thomas’ gaze flicked over to Jimmy a last time before leaving. Their eyes met. Something was in Jimmy’s eyes, something he hadn’t seen before. He felt a bit guilty for being snappish.

The moment dragged. “I’ll, er- I’ll be on my way then,” Thomas ventured, wrenching his eyes away from Jimmy, and leaving.

Anna’s eyes followed Thomas outside, before she turned them once again to Jimmy.

Well. Any doubt she’d had about who was the object of Jimmy’s affections was gone now. The look on his face… she recognized it. It was the look she saw on her husband’s face every time he looked at her, or she at him. It was the look Thomas gave Jimmy time and again, when Thomas didn’t have his mask on all the way.

Anna’s hand was still on Jimmy’s. She gave it a squeeze, and it seemed to jolt him out of a reverie once again.

One look at Anna and Jimmy knew she knew. He swallowed. Would she-?

Anna shook her head. “I told you, Jimmy. This will stay between us.”

His shoulders relaxed.

“You asked me, what if it’s someone you’re not supposed to love,” she whispered. Jimmy nodded. It was no use. The tear fell anyway. “I don’t have any advice for that. I mean, my husband and I, we’re an unlikely couple,” Anna remembered John’s words to her about how she deserved someone younger, someone more able, or whatever John thought he wasn’t that some other imaginary man might be. Anna knew there were people in the village, sometimes strangers on the street if they were walking together, who might raise their eyebrows at the difference in age, but that was it. And it didn’t matter, because they were together, living together, working together. Their fellow servants had been happy for them, the Crawleys had been happy.

That wouldn’t happen for them.

“… but we’re not… that unlikely,” she finished unhelpfully. Jimmy shoulders sank slightly. He didn’t really expect Anna to have any advice about this part. How could she understand? Jimmy didn’t understand himself. He’d been with women, he knew he desired women. This was new to him as well.

But her eyes were earnest and clear, and she needed Jimmy to know she didn’t hold with any of that nonsense about men like Thomas being a perversion or anything else. She squeezed his hand again, to try and convey that. She didn’t want to lend voice to those specific words- it was likely they were echoing in Jimmy’s head already, or he wouldn’t have asked the question.

But she had to say something. So she said what she knew to be true. “Jimmy, I know this,” she started, Jimmy looked up. “I know love is not easily defeated, or snuffed, or ignored. And I think more love in the world is what it desperately needs. It can never be a bad thing, Jimmy. Never.”

Anna wanted to say something more, something about how Jimmy knew Thomas loved him back, and that was a lot more than most people who were in love had. But it was something Jimmy already knew.

Jimmy pulled his hand away and stood up, straightening his livery and wiping his eye.

“Thank you, Mrs Bates, you’ve helped a lot,” Jimmy said finally. _I still don’t know what I’m gonna fucking do though._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a long time since I rewatched the series in full, so I can't really remember if I'm being accurate to timelines or character motivations, in this chapter Anna specifically. I can't remember if Anna ever found out about Thomas' feelings for Jimmy, or how she responded to them if she did. I remember in the later seasons Anna and Thomas, while not friendly, definitely wern't hostile, but I can't remember if my portrait of Anna in this chapter and how she feels about Thomas (doesn't dislike him, knows he cares about Jimmy, tries to help Jimmy with his feelings about Thomas) is show-accurate, or if how my Anna acts is consistent with Show Anna. (I think I remember Anna somewhat comforting Thomas after Sybil's death?) But, this story isn't about Anna, she's just a helpful figure in this first chapter. But it's bugging me that I can't remember canon so I just wanted to lay that out in case it's distracting. Please review and subscribe and check out my Thommy one shot if you want (:


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the day progresses, Jimmy grows less confused, but it's the opposite for Thomas.

Jimmy was in a fog for the next few hours. Anna had brought Jimmy straight to Mr Carson, and had emphatically apologized for keeping him, but she had needed Jimmy’s help with something-something-Lady Mary’s-something; Mr Carson had questioned no further. He had glared disapprovingly at Jimmy when Anna had left, but otherwise did nothing besides direct Jimmy to the necessary tasks to do.

The work was blissfully busy, and Jimmy hadn’t had much time to think about his conversation with Anna, or his feelings. And likewise, there hadn’t even been an opportunity to speak to Thomas as the hours passed, which was lucky because Jimmy had no clue how to talk to him now.

Which seemed absurd.

Thomas was Jimmy’s best mate, his closest friend. It was true after the night he kissed him, Jimmy had been distant- alright, more than distant, downright hostile, and hateful. But after the fair… Thomas had been beaten nearly to death for him. No one had done such a thing for Jimmy before. It had made something between them soften. And they had agreed to be friends.

And since then, whatever it was between them that had begun to soften that night had grown and grown, and now here Jimmy was, enveloped in it. The realization startled him. It had started that night. After the fair. In Thomas’ room. Looking at the man who had risked his life for him, the man who had been beaten bloody and bruised for him. The man who had nearly lost his position over Jimmy’s reaction to the kiss. The man who continued to help Jimmy every day with problems, with advice.

“Why?” Jimmy had asked him. “You know why,” Thomas had answered.   _Because he loves you._

_He loves me. He loves me._

Jimmy couldn’t stop grinning now. He swept past a few guests, refilling their glasses, and found himself face to face with Mr Carson.

“James. Will you kindly wipe that grimace off your face. We are supposed to appear elegant and stoic at all times,” Carson practically spit the words through gritted teeth.

“Of course, Mr Carson,” he answered, trying his best to force his facial muscles to comply. It was difficult, considering the newfound buoyancy in his heart. But he managed.

Satisfied, Carson moved on.

“Close one, that.” Suddenly Thomas’ voice was close, behind him. Jimmy hadn’t heard him approach. He swallowed. He turned.

Thomas was standing very close. The sun was shining behind him, reflecting goldenly off his perpetually shiny hair, almost giving him a halo. Jimmy had to laugh at that. Thomas, with a halo? Not many would conjure that image.

Thomas’ lips quirked into a smile, reflecting the one Jimmy was sporting. “You’re rather confusing today Jimmy. First you’re in a daydream all throughout breakfast,” Jimmy sighed, the smile on his face widening. He enjoyed when Thomas was in a playful mood. Jimmy turned slightly and began to walk to the next tent of guests.

“… Next you’re having a heart-to-heart with Anna Bates, and now Carson has to tell you off for being too giddy,” Thomas was saying, falling into step beside him. Jimmy could feel Thomas’ presence, even though they weren’t touching, and they weren’t close enough for Jimmy to feel any body heat. But still- he felt him.

Thomas was teasing, but there was a question in his voice. He slowed his pace, and stopped, forcing Jimmy to stop as well. He wanted to know why Jimmy was acting this way.

“I’ve had a bit of a day, alright Barrow?” Jimmy said in mock-offense. He was surprised it wasn’t difficult at all to speak and jest with Thomas, even after the events of the morning. He should have known it wouldn’t be. They were so natural together, they always had been.

Jimmy turned so they were face to face. God, Thomas was close. Close enough to kiss, close enough to reach a hand to his cheekbone. Jimmy gave a slight shake of the head. This wasn’t the place.

The movement wasn’t lost on Thomas. He saw Jimmy’s eyes dart to his lips, to his cheek, something like… wistfulness? rising in his eyes? Now it was Thomas’ turn to shake his head, to clear that thought away. It was impossible, how many times had Thomas had this exact conversation with himself?

Over Thomas’ shoulder, Jimmy could see guests whose glasses were empty. Carson was sure to notice, and Jimmy wasn’t keen on getting a third scolding in a single day.

He met Thomas’ eyes. “Thomas, you’re right. I have been distracted today. I promise,” Jimmy reached down and grabbed Thomas’ hand. Thomas was shocked at the touch. Usually Jimmy kept his distance- he wasn’t stiff, or standoffish, they were mates after all, but it was abnormal for him to initiate contact.

“I promise I will tell you why. But I can’t just now,” he finished.

Jimmy had leaned in while speaking, keeping his voice low and intense, and now they were nearly nose to nose. Jimmy could smell Thomas’ hair pomade, smell his shaving cream, even the faint tobacco smoke that clung to Thomas at all times. He smelled clean and cool, like rain, along with the scent of smoke, which reminded Jimmy of lightning charring a tree. Jimmy could tell he was staring again, like at breakfast.

But this time he didn’t pull away, or turn his head, or pretend. He let the moment stretch on. He forced himself to look into Thomas’ eyes, and found Thomas was looking back. Thomas was confused, a little amused… and of course, there was love there. There always was, even when Thomas was trying to hide it. Jimmy could sometimes find it in his eyes if he looked, which he normally didn’t. But he was looking now.

Thomas nodded. And then something clouded over his eyes. He’s hiding again, his affection, Jimmy knew. “Alright, Jimmy, alright,” Thomas said, shrugging, taking a step back, feigning an indifference Jimmy knew was a front. He pulled his hand away as he turned, and Jimmy missed it at once. He watched Thomas leave, allowing himself to appreciate his figure a second longer before returning his attention to the guests.

\---

The day was over. The guests had left the field, a few who were staying at the house had returned with the Crawleys. Jimmy and Alfred and a few of the other boys were helping take down the tents as twilight descended.

Thomas was watching them work a little ways off, a lit cigarette in hand. He was charged by Carson to be ‘supervising’, but he knew they could get on fine. He tried to not simply gawk at Jimmy as he worked; he had promised Jimmy that night after the fair that friends would be enough for him. He worked constantly to make sure he wasn’t making him uncomfortable, he tried to reign in his affection whenever possible, which was increasingly difficult considering it mounted every day.

Jimmy had confused him today. Thomas could still hear Jimmy’s voice in his head from this morning, his distracted “Dreamy, yes, Thomas,”.  He had been staring straight into Thomas’ eyes as he said it.

Then there was the look he’d given him when he’d walked in on him and Anna. Had there been a tear in his eye? What were they discussing? There was something playing around Anna’s mouth, a knowing kind of smile- was Jimmy talking about him? But why was he crying?

And most of all, Jimmy had taken Thomas’ hand today, and held it in his own. He had come so close to Thomas’ face, and the look he’d given his lips, his cheek… if he didn’t know better, Thomas would have described such a look almost as a caress.

Thomas thought, overall, he was a good friend to Jimmy. He had to be, or Jimmy would have long ago told him to leave him alone. But you don’t really treat ‘good friends’ like how Jimmy had treated him today. The touches, the stares. What did they mean?

Thomas had been on the offering side of such gestures, of course. He was extra-aware of them, especially now that the truth of Thomas’ nature was well known. He knew them well, he knew their meaning. But it was impossible, in this case, for them to be what Thomas thought they were. Jimmy wasn’t… like him. Jimmy didn’t, couldn’t, feel the same way. He’d told him so himself, those months ago.

But that look… _“I promise, I will tell you,”_ and he had been so close… _“Dreamy, yes, Thomas,”_ and the tear in his eye…

He went to take a drag on his cigarette, but it had burned away and was now merely a long pillar of ash. Thomas sighed and flicked it away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying, I know it's kind of slow but it's cathartic for me. Please review !


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Declaration

They were alone. He could feel it.

The guests had gone. The servants had gone. It was dark now, only the light of the moon to see by. There was nothing to suggest there was another person on the field besides himself. But Jimmy knew.

And sure enough, in the moonlight, he saw Thomas slowly make his way towards him, the white of his shirt and the small orange glow of a cigarette becoming clearer in the darkness as he approached the tree Jimmy was standing under.

Jimmy’s mouth was dry. This was the moment.

“So,” Thomas said, as he came closer.

Jimmy nodded, and then he remembered Thomas couldn’t see him clearly. “So,” he repeated, cursing the shake in his voice.

“You… had something to tell me?” Thomas said, bringing the cigarette to his mouth and inhaling. The movement mesmerized Jimmy. He’d seen it done a thousand times, but everything Thomas did seemed to have a mesmerizing, strict, elegance. He was always very still, but sometimes his little movements belied a certain grace.

Jimmy opened his mouth to speak. His sight was adjusting even as the sky darkened further, and he could see Thomas’ face more clearly now, could see the sharpness of his cheekbones and the hollows of his cheeks as he inhaled, held the smoke, and exhaled.

“I- could I have one of those?” Jimmy asked suddenly, pointing to the cigarette.

Thomas raised his brows but nodded, placing his cigarette in his mouth to free his hand. He reached for the box of smokes, and something whispered to Thomas, and dared him to do something bold. He felt Jimmy’s actions during the day might warrant a small gesture, just to gauge the waters.

But something else whispered to Thomas as well, something whispered a warning. _You thought you were seeing signs where there were none once before. Remember how that ended?_

Thomas ignored it. This was hardly something like a kiss. It was just a little cheeky. And he could always blame the copious amounts of champagne that had been available today if he needed to, even if he hadn’t imbibed much.

Thomas held up the cigarette box, but instead of letting Jimmy take one, he took a single one out himself. He stepped a pace closer to Jimmy, and he placed it gently between his lips, which opened automatically to accept it. Thomas let his fingers touch Jimmy’s lips for the briefest of moments before moving his hand away. He didn’t look in Jimmy’s eyes, lest the emotion there betray him. He might still be able to pass it off as a casual gesture.

At the contact, a shock was sent throughout Jimmy’s body. His heart was hammering. His thoughts were reduced to words- _lips, spark, smoke, him._ To an observer it might have appeared normal, it had been so quick, but it was far more intimate than Thomas usually let himself be. Thomas was so careful, so restrained with his movements- it couldn’t have been an accident. Jimmy’s mouth was tingling. He wanted so much to reach a hand to Thomas’ lips and mirror the gesture.

Thomas snuck a glance to Jimmy’s eyes, to see his reaction, and what he saw there put another reckless idea in his head. This one was a little stupid, and it could easily backfire- maybe it was the champagne, as little of it he had drunk, burning in his belly and giving him courage. But Thomas thought it was mostly Jimmy’s eyes providing the courage. They were staring straight into Thomas’, no hint of recoiling, no sign of disgust. Only openness, and wonder… and want.

 _Sure, want,_ he said sarcastically to himself, mentally rolling his eyes. When would he wake up and let go of that old dream?

But still, he stepped even closer, and he raised a hand to Jimmy’s chin. He grasped it firmly. Jimmy stopped breathing, his mind, as scattered as it was, going blank. Thomas was leaning in, and he- he-

He placed the tip of his own lit cigarette still in his mouth, to Jimmy’s unlit one. He held it in place for several seconds, his eyes on the two smokes, to make sure the flame caught, and Jimmy didn’t move a muscle (not that he could have even if he wanted to).

When it lit, Thomas leaned his head back a bit, breaking the bond between them, looking at Jimmy in that sly way through slitted lids. But he didn’t move his hand for another beat, and he didn’t break his gaze for another beat after that.

Thomas stepped away and Jimmy almost reached out to him, to keep him close. His face tingled where Thomas’ hand had been. The shock from Thomas’ touch spread through his chest, down his spine, heating him from the inside, burning somewhere in his stomach. He swallowed a groan.

Jimmy lifted his own hand and removed the cigarette from his lips. He inhaled, his breath as shaky as his hands, and the exhale likewise came out in a shuddering sigh. He couldn’t help himself, and he rubbed his jaw where Thomas’ hand had been. He looked up, and saw Thomas was looking at him again. There was a challenge in his eyes, as well as trepidation. He realized Thomas was waiting to see if Jimmy had minded the bold gesture, or if he would recoil in disgust again.

“Thanks,” he finally said, his voice sounding strange to his ears, dropping his hand from his chin. Hardly an eloquent response but it was all he could think of. Thomas had been so close. He could still feel his hand, he could still smell him. Oh, God, he wanted him that close again. It had been so bold, so unlike the perpetual restraint that Jimmy knew Thomas employed at all times. He wouldn’t have done something so risky unless he perhaps guessed Jimmy’s intentions?

 _Well, why doesn’t he bloody say something_ , Jimmy thought. And then he remembered that the last time Thomas had made an advance towards Jimmy, it had gone… badly. Of course Thomas wouldn’t make the same mistake twice unless he was one hundred percent clear it was something Jimmy wanted, and it was up to Jimmy to _make_ that clear. But still, it helped calm him that there might be the beginnings of an unspoken acknowledgement between them already; it made it easier.

Thomas’ heart was pounding. It had been so forward, so risky, but Jimmy hadn’t moved. He hadn’t withdrawn. He had been still as a statue, his eyes on Thomas the whole time. There was nothing negative in his body language or tone of voice, he only seemed nervous. The move with the cigarette had rattled him (he could tell as he had tensed a bit, but he had since relaxed), yet there was definitely something in Jimmy’s eyes that told him he hadn’t minded. He had perhaps even… enjoyed it? He had automatically touched the place on his jaw where Thomas’ hand had been, and Thomas had done something similar the many times when he and Jimmy had sometimes accidentally touched hands or brushed shoulders. Despite all his misgivings, he began to hope.

Thomas nodded a ‘you’re welcome’, reaching a hand up and pulling his cigarette from his mouth to exhale, scratching his chin idly with his thumb, glancing away as he breathed out a long stream of smoke. Jimmy could tell Thomas was trying to convey nonchalance, a casual aloofness, but Jimmy could also tell underneath the pretense that he was nervous. The move with the cigarette had taken courage, and the longer Jimmy said nothing, he was sure, the more Thomas would lose that courage.

The two stood there, silently smoking, sneaking glances, listening to the wind through the leaves above them. Jimmy was working up his nerve. Thomas could tell he had something difficult to say. The worst was coming to Thomas’ mind as the silence stretched on, strangling the bit of hope that had started to form: _He feels uncomfortable, he wants you to leave him alone, he doesn’t want to see you ever again, you disgust him-_

“Alright,” Jimmy said in a firm voice, interrupting the litany of imaginary insults in Thomas’ head. “Alright,” he said again.

“Alright.” Thomas repeated. “What is it?” _Please don’t hate me please don’t hate me._

“Well- for first thing-” Jimmy grimaced as he fumbled his words, “Er- I mean-” and he fell silent again, wincing, taking another drag.

_Jesus, why is this so hard? You know he wants you back, this should be easy, most folks don’t even have that-_

“Jimmy, just relax,” Thomas said, bewildered, after a beat. He’d never seen Jimmy so on edge, so worked up. He was usually unrattled and smooth, his eyes alight with mischief and indifference. “It’s alright,” he said. Jimmy closed his eyes to clear his mind. He took a long drag. He exhaled slowly.

“Do you remember that night, after the fair?” Jimmy finally said, his eyes still closed.

“Of course, Jimmy,” Thomas replied. “Not likely to forget any time soon.” Sometimes what they’d said that night haunted Thomas. It had ended well, but he remembered Jimmy had asked why he had done it- why he had allowed himself to be beaten so Jimmy could get away, and Thomas had said, “You know why.” It was the almost the most candid thing he could have said, and normally he wouldn’t have made such a confession, but he was so tired that night, on every level. Jimmy had asked him a question and he had answered it. As soon as he’d said the words he’d mentally recoiled, afraid the forwardness would send Jimmy running again. But it hadn’t, and when Thomas had suggested friendship, Jimmy had agreed.

Jimmy forced himself to open his eyes, forced himself to look at Thomas, even though it might have been easier to speak if they’d been closed. Thomas looked away immediately, feigning intense interest in something over Jimmy’s shoulder. It caused Jimmy’s heart to sink. He felt braver when Thomas was looking at him, and he likewise thought maybe something in his eyes might convey to Thomas what he seemed to have a very hard time saying with his words.

“And I said- I said, I could never give you what- you want?” The word _want_ flared up something in Jimmy’s stomach again, and he licked his lips.

Thomas nodded, sharply, once. He stepped a bit away from Jimmy, towards the tree, and started to put his cigarette out, grinding it into the bark. He kept his gaze there as he stifled it. Jimmy had looked at him, but he couldn’t meet his gaze. And although there was nothing much in the two, shaky questions to indicate that Jimmy was overtly uncomfortable with Thomas, Thomas’ fear still started to snake up his spine. It was his worst one, for Jimmy to tell him he doubted Thomas’ intentions or ability to control himself. For Jimmy to tell him, _I’ve already given you my boundaries, why do I have to keep setting my boundaries-_

“And you said- friendship- was enough?”Jimmy continued, haltingly, willing Thomas to face him again.

Before he could stop himself, Thomas turned and started apologizing, gaze to the ground. It was a learned response, and it leapt from his mouth before he realized he was speaking. “It _is_ enough Jimmy, look, I’m- I’m sorry if I’ve been-”

“No, ssshhh, please, Thomas, please, let me speak,” Jimmy interrupted in a pained whisper. Despair was staring to mount on Thomas’ face, and he couldn’t bear it.

Why was this so _difficult_? He’d told girls he fancied them before. _But this isn’t a girl, and it isn’t just a fancy, it’s brand new, and I don’t know how to act, all my words sound wrong, I don’t know what to do with my hands, and God he’s so handsome-_

“I’m trying to say- it’s not- I’m not- what I thought I was.” He gasped out. “I was wrong.” He swallowed, and took a steadying breath. There. It felt like drawing a splinter out, and he’d just gotten the biggest piece. He felt lightheaded. He’d lain the groundwork, he just had to build on it. He couldn’t stop looking (well, gazing might be a better word) at Thomas’ face, and he just wished he would meet his gaze.

Thomas was still silent, but after a moment he lifted his eyes. Jimmy looked so ethereal in the blue and silver light, the smoke whispering from behind his lips. But a part of him- the part that sounded most like Mr Carson- continued to voice Thomas’ fears: that Jimmy thought he’d be comfortable in a friendship with Thomas, but now he knew he wasn’t. That he wanted Thomas to leave him alone, that Thomas was- _revolting, foul_ \- he felt like a knife was twisting in his ribs.

But a bigger part was telling Thomas that he was seeing demons where there were none. All Jimmy had said so far was that he needed to speak to him, that he wanted to talk about the night after the fair when he’d said he could never be with Thomas how he wanted, and now he had just said, “ _I’m not what I thought I was, I was wrong._ ” And the way Jimmy was looking at him made Thomas’ blood sing.

It didn’t look, or sound, like a rejection to Thomas, but years of hopes being crushed, his heart being broken, or ignored, made him hold his tongue. Although the expression on Jimmy’s face almost made Thomas throw caution to the winds and kiss him right there. His eyes were wild but clear, he seemed nervous but unafraid, and most of all he looked like a man who wasn’t about to turn someone away, but desperately ask them to come closer. Thomas knew that look, he had felt that look burning from his own eyes. Something like a beam of light started to shoot up his throat. And the pain in his ribs started to fade, like an ache that goes away when a gentle hand soothes it.

Thomas stepped closer, not breaking his gaze. Jimmy’s breath caught in his chest, but he wouldn’t allow himself to be embraced before he finished his say, and he fought against the part of himself that wanted to grab Thomas to him. _I have to say this, I have to tell him, he deserves to hear it_.

“I haven’t been very… subtle. About this. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until today,” Jimmy finally said, his mouth dry, breathless. He took a last drag on the cigarette, now nothing but a stub (had he really smoked it so fast? Maybe that was why he was dizzy), and threw it to the ground, watching Thomas come closer. (No. _That_ was why he was dizzy.)

“Subtle about what, Jimmy,” Thomas replied lazily. _Please tell me, I need to hear it._ The feeling of light in his throat was expanding as he heard Jimmy say that Thomas hadn’t imagined the little moments throughout the day. And as he thought, he suddenly realized that over the past weeks, there had been dozens of such moments, almost on the periphery of Thomas’ notice: the stares he sometimes thought he saw out of the corner of his eye, the way Jimmy would go still whenever Thomas happened to brush against him. The Carsonesque voice in Thomas’ mind grew still quieter, as Jimmy’s overtook it.

“Subtle about the fact that I am falling in love with you,” Jimmy choked out. Thomas’ heart stopped, his mouth dropped open, his thoughts stilled. The sentence Jimmy had uttered washed over Thomas like cool water. He and Jimmy had still not broken eye contact, and Thomas couldn’t have looked away if he wanted to. The small hope that had built up couldn’t prepare him for this, for it’s one thing to hope for something, and it’s quite another for that hope to come true. It was something Thomas had never before experienced, and it paralyzed him.

“When I said, I’m not what I thought I was, I meant- I’m not- I thought I couldn’t want you back, that I would never even want to, but I was wrong.” Once the words had finally started, Jimmy couldn’t stop them. He saw Thomas take a shaky breath; all signs of despair were fading, and his eyes were so intense in their focus.

 “I want you,” Jimmy continued. At the words, Thomas’ brow furrowed and his breathing became even shallower. He suddenly felt the roughness of the tree on his back; he hadn’t realized he’d stepped backward again. He looked almost confused, definitely at a loss for words. Jimmy took a step, and then another.

Thomas was still as a statue as Jimmy closed the distance between them. His mouth was still open, his lips trembling as his chest heaved in breathless wonder. He thought he felt tears begin to form, and his brow knit further as he fought against them.

Jimmy brought both hands up to the sides of Thomas’ face. He saw Thomas’ eyes dart to Jimmy’s lips, and he was thankful Thomas had finally exhibited some form of movement. “I think about you all the time, your hair, your voice, your smell, I think about the night you kissed me, I dream about it,” Jimmy’s voice was so close, and so low. Thomas slowly brought one of his hands up and covered one of Jimmy’s. The movement was so gentle, so tender. Jimmy could feel another rush surging up his spine, and he felt a wave of something that felt like sunlight start to expand between his lungs.

“Are you serious?” Thomas finally said. His voice was so quiet.

Jimmy didn't answer, but he moved his hands, so his thumbs were over Thomas’ mouth. He brushed his lips with each in turn, pulling his bottom lip down slightly, seeing the flash of white teeth. He was mesmerized by the microexpressions flicking across Thomas’ face; shock, tenderness, joy, confusion, desire. His hand was clasped on the outside of Jimmy’s wrist, and they were so close, almost forehead to forehead.

Jimmy hadn’t realized how close he had come. He could feel Thomas’ breath on his face. With his hands still on Thomas’ jaw, he lifted himself slightly, and their lips finally met.

Thomas’ head was swimming. It was a good thing he was braced between Jimmy and the tree for he was certain his legs might give out. This was the only thing he had hoped for, had dreamed for. Good things like this didn’t happen to Thomas, it couldn’t be real.

But it was real. He could feel Jimmy’s hands on his face, he could feel the cool air, he could feel Jimmy’s mouth on his own. The tears were stinging. He didn’t even try to hide or stop them from falling anymore. He was so tired of hiding.

Jimmy felt his heart would burst, or maybe stop. “Oh,” he felt Thomas whisper against Jimmy’s mouth, between kisses. His hand was on the back of Jimmy’s neck now, and he realized he was exerting pressure on it, pulling Jimmy closer, as close as he could. And Jimmy let him. Thomas’ lips were so soft, yet his movements firm and demanding, and Jimmy gave in to those demands without hesitation.

For Jimmy couldn’t get enough. His hand was still on Thomas’ jaw and neck. He thought he could feel Thomas’ pulse pounding, or maybe it was his own pulse, pounding in his head.  Jimmy’s other hand had moved to the back of Thomas’ neck, and then it was in his hair; he couldn’t stop his hands, he couldn’t stop touching him now that he could. He had spent so long controlling himself, wanting to reach out and touch Thomas, wanting to feel him, to soothe, to embrace, and he’d reigned himself in. He didn’t have to reign himself in anymore.

Their breath was loud as they gasped for air, Jimmy unwillingly forced to break away as his lungs screamed. Jimmy had never forgotten to breathe during a kiss before, but something about Thomas often made him forget to breathe.

Thomas was looking at him still, and his expression was so sad, even though there was so much love in his eyes. Jimmy saw a tear track down Thomas’ face and before he could think, he had moved his hand up to his cheek again, to wipe it away with his thumb.

“Jimmy,” Thomas said. His hand was still on the back of Jimmy’s neck.

“Yes,” Jimmy answered, the feel of Thomas’ breath making him shiver.

“Are you s…” he started, but it died in his throat. “Do you w…” he tried again. He shook his head; Thomas didn’t know how to ask the questions in his mind, or even which ones to ask. _Are you sure? Do you want this, truly? Are you just testing something out? Are you experimenting? Because I’m not, I know I want you, do you know?_ But Thomas only swallowed. He was almost afraid of the answer. Would Thomas even mind if this was an experiment for Jimmy? A few hours of madness in the summer heat? Thomas thought he almost wouldn’t, he would take whatever he could get at the moment, and deal with the broken heart later.

Jimmy heard the question in his tone, even though he hadn’t finished the words. “Yes,” he said again, shaking his head slightly as if to add, “of course”. His hand was still cupping Thomas’ face, and he gently rubbed his thumb back and forth again.

“I’m sure,” Jimmy whispered. “I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize. I was scared.” Jimmy swallowed.

Thomas felt his face almost crumble again as a relieved sob escaped him. He felt dizzy, to hear that no, it wasn’t something thoughtless or vague to Jimmy; it was real, it was something he wanted, something he had wanted for weeks, perhaps months.

Thomas’ gaze was so intense Jimmy almost thought he could feel it burning him. The love he saw there caused his heart to skip a beat, it seemed so close and clear now, nothing was clouding it or trying to hide it away anymore.

“I’m… I’m still a little scared,” Jimmy continued. “I don’t know what this means, I know we have to be careful or we could be… hurt or… fired or… but I don’t… I don’t care, it’s worth it, it’s worth the risk to have you.”

It’s worth the risk. To have him. That’s what Jimmy had said. It echoed in Thomas’ head. Had anyone truly risked anything for Thomas before?

Thomas didn’t respond, couldn’t respond, not with words. He leaned in again, but instead of capturing Jimmy’s lips, he slowly dragged them across his throat, a trail of kisses under his jaw, across his Adam’s apple, under his ear, sometimes darting his tongue out for a small lick, tasting the salt on his skin. Thomas’ hand was on Jimmy’s upper arm now, softly stroking the flesh there.

“Christ,” Jimmy moaned at the sensation. It was rare for just kissing, fully clothed, to get him so worked up. But worked up he was, and he was sure Thomas knew, they were too close for him to not notice, and Jimmy could feel Thomas as well.

It was truly nighttime now and the grounds were dark and quiet. Jimmy felt so free. The fresh air mingled with the scent of Thomas’ smoke and soap was intoxicating. The wind picked up, making the leaves rustle loudly, a lovely, poetic sound. The breeze whispered across the moisture Thomas’ lips had left on Jimmy’s neck, and he shivered again as goosebumps rose.

“Are you cold?” Thomas murmured.

Jimmy shook his head. “The opposite.”

Their eyes met, and each saw their own desire mirrored in the other.

The village church bell in the distance struck 11 PM, startling them both.

“Jesus, it’s late,” Jimmy groaned, letting his head fall forward on Thomas’ shoulder. He didn’t know how they would explain this if anyone was still awake. Thomas nodded, and brought his hand up to hold the back of Jimmy’s neck. The small pressure of him on his shoulder, the closeness between them, all the physical sensations, they felt so comforting and natural. He sighed, glancing up at the Abbey in the distance, barely visible in the darkness. He used his other hand to wipe his eyes.

“We have to go in… people might be wondering…” Jimmy said miserably, his words muffled. He didn’t want the night to end.

“I know Carson is probably asleep. That’s why he asked me to supervise you lot taking the tents down,” Thomas answered.

Jimmy was relieved. Carson would be the hardest to sneak past, it was good to know he was taken care of.

Thomas reached a hand down and found Jimmy’s, and squeezed. Jimmy grasped him back, and then pulled him further into an embrace, just a chaste hug. Their cheeks were touching now. Jimmy’s arms were around Thomas’ shoulders. After a moment, Thomas leaned his head on Jimmy’s shoulder, his arms snaked around Jimmy’s back. They stood there, letting the night breeze whistle around them, content only to share the space and breathe together, letting their passions cool.

 _God damn that clock_.

Jimmy let his arms drop, reluctant to let Thomas go. But his heart was so full, and he was so happy, to be here with Thomas, no secrets left, nothing weighing on his heart. And he knew Thomas felt the same.

They turned and walked together up to the house, much like they normally walked together. Except now Jimmy didn’t feel so confused about his hyper-awareness of Thomas’ closeness; now it felt like the most normal thing in the world. After their hands brushed together a few times, Jimmy clutched Thomas’ and held it in his own. He felt silly, holding hands and walking, like a schoolboy with a crush, but he just wanted to touch him, he wanted to be close to him.

Thomas closed his eyes when Jimmy reached for his hand. It was such a warm, wonderful thing. He couldn’t remember feeling more content in his life.

That is, until they reached the back entrance and entered the hallway. There were lights on. Someone was waiting for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit of a struggle for me, hence the wait between uploads. I originally had Thomas much more self-loathing and oblivious about what Jimmy was trying to tell him, because I thought the chapter needed that, to have some conflict. But then I realized that Jimmy had been dropping hints like bombs all day and Thomas isn't really that stupid. I also didn't want it to be 100% Thomas needing endless reassurances, because that can get frustrating and also isn't fair to Jimmy, who is also confused, and focus on him and his thoughts about his feelings is important too. I rewrote it about four times, but I'm quite happy with it now, I think I came to a nice compromise. I hope you think so too!! Please leave a comment and subscribe. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas and Jimmy arrive back, and find the situation not so dire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally going to include this scene and the one after it, but both scenes grew so long that I decided to cut it into 2 chapters. I know I said I was picturing about a 5-chapter length story, but now I'm not sure. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy! And I hope I'm capturing everyone's personality and characterization accurately. :)

As soon as they realized there was someone- perhaps several someones- waiting, they each automatically dropped the other’s hand. It was an intuitive, sad motion, and it wrenched them both. But they knew the consequences if such a thing were seen.

Thomas’ heart was hammering in his throat. How would they explain being together so late? His mind began to whir as he lifted his hands to smooth his mussed hair. He saw Jimmy do the same, and straighten his vest. They gave each other a look, and walked inside, to whatever may greet them.

Jimmy went first, and as he passed Thomas he gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.  Even under the circumstances, it made a thrill pass through him.

Jimmy turned into the dining hall, where the lights were, and relief washed over him: it was only Anna and Mrs Hughes. Mrs Hughes was sharp, but kind, and Jimmy was sure Anna would help them if they needed it.

“Oh, it’s Jimmy and Mr Barrow,” Anna said brightly, but softly. “See, I told you, Mrs Hughes, they were probably all three of them together. Is Alfred with you there, Mr Barrow?” She raised her voice slightly, as Thomas entered the room. Her tone sounded natural, but Jimmy could tell she was throwing Thomas a bone. “We were waiting for you three,” she continued.

Mrs Hughes was waiting for an answer, and Anna widened her eyes at Jimmy, and then Thomas. _Think of something, Kent._ But before he could speak, Thomas’ clipped tones cut in.

“We were actually looking for Alfred ourselves, Mrs Bates, Mrs Hughes,” Thomas spoke up quickly, giving a nod to each woman respectively. “I noticed he’d disappeared after Jimmy and the others had put the tents away. I asked Jimmy to help search, and we looked, but we eventually thought he must have ended up back here.” The lie came to him smoothly. Jimmy tried not to look too relieved, or too impressed at Thomas’ quick thinking.

“I do apologize for our late entrance, I was so sure Alfred must have made it back by now,” Thomas continued evenly.

Fear still prickled in the back of Jimmy’s mind. If Alfred hadn’t been at the house, he was still on the grounds. Which means he could have seen him and Thomas.

“I really should wake Mr Carson, then. It’s far too late for Alfred to be out.” Mrs Hughes said. “I didn’t want to disturb him while I thought it was you three lads together, but now we know he’s alone…”

“Jimmy, you look terribly flushed,” Anna burst out suddenly. Jimmy’s eyes widened. Surely Anna could tell why Jimmy might look flushed? He’d been alone with Thomas for over an hour, maybe two hours, he wasn’t sure. Why would she expose him like this?

“Er- no- I don’t think-” Jimmy stuttered.

She jumped up from her chair and came close to Jimmy, pressing her hand against his perfectly cool forehead. “Yes, burning up like a flame, you must have a fever, poor thing,” Anna was still making a fuss, pressing her palm to his cheek. “Hold on, I’ll get you some aspirin.”

Before she turned, he saw her give Thomas a slight wink. Jimmy was bewildered. Where was this going? He snuck a quick look at Thomas, but he looked as nonplussed as Jimmy.

When Anna winked at him, Thomas couldn’t help but sharply inhale. Was she implying Thomas was the reason Jimmy looked flushed? Or was she making the whole thing up, for Jimmy didn’t look red to Thomas-

“Oh my Lord!” came Anna’s voice down the hall, causing Thomas’ churning thoughts to slow. “It’s Alfred! He’s been in here the entire time!”

Jimmy closed his eyes in relief as Mrs Hughes’ face registered shock, and she leapt up, hurrying to join Anna.

“That woman…” Jimmy said, turning slowly to Thomas, and keeping his voice as quiet as possible, “is a saint.”

Thomas could only nod. He liked Anna, and she was nice enough to him, especially considering what he’d put her family through. He’d never forget how she had grieved with him, even if only for a moment, for Lady Sybil. The fact she had apparently concocted a plan to cover for him and Jimmy made his eyes sting. The day’s surprises and kindnesses had moved him immensely. He really did have more friends than he thought. Even Mrs Hughes had looked at him kindly, only concern for Alfred in her eyes; no suspicion or distrust of Thomas, or the fact he’d been alone with Jimmy, had been in her face at all. It was a nice change.

Thomas and Jimmy followed the two women’s steps into the little room. And sure enough, there was Alfred, unconscious in a chair. Anna and Mrs Hughes were leaning over him, Anna with a cloth.

“Say something cheeky, Jimmy,” Thomas whispered to him, so low only Jimmy could hear. The feeling of his breath on his neck made him shiver. “Something exasperating and vexing, as you always do.”

“Vexing?” Jimmy answered playfully, quirking an eyebrow at Thomas.

Thomas smiled and rolled his eyes. “Just do it, Kent,” he said lowly, his eyes darting to Mrs Hughes.

Jimmy nodded, and after a beat-

“Are you telling me we searched all that time for _nothing_?” Jimmy said, loudly, in his most obnoxious tone. He looked for approval at Thomas, who smiled widely in amusement but suppressed it, and gave a nod.

“Oh, do be quiet Jimmy!” Mrs Hughes snapped, not looking at him. Thomas gave Jimmy another nod. She would suspect nothing, he was sure.

“Drunk as a skunk, I’m afraid,” said Mrs Hughes, her head shaking as she peered at Alfred. “Mr Carson won’t be much pleased about this. How long has he been in here?”

Anna smirked, remembering. Alfred had stumbled indoors about an hour ago, and Anna just had just barely gotten him concealed before Mrs Hughes left her tea room, and noticed the three boys still hadn’t come in. She had felt guilty lying to Mrs Hughes when Anna was asked if she’d seen any of them, but as she thought of the expression on Jimmy’s face when he’d seen Thomas that morning, it felt justified.

“It must have been two hours, Mrs Hughes, maybe longer?” she answered, feeling another twinge of guilt at the lie, but tsking at Alfred in concern as she wiped his face all the same.

“How much did he have to drink, I wonder?” Thomas ventured, stepping closer into the room around Jimmy.

 _Oh, about a bottle and a half of champagne,_ Anne said to herself. She’d made sure of it, little by little, throughout the day. “I don’t rightly know, Mr Barrow,” she said aloud. “The poor boy must not have much experience with spirits.”

“Well, he has some now, I’d expect,” Thomas said, directing his voice to Mrs Hughes, and leaning against the wall. She pursed her lips and nodded, and Thomas got the feeling she thought of herself and Thomas as Alfred’s caretakers who must now deal with the youth’s mischief.

“Does…” Jimmy said, still in the doorway. “Does Mr Carson have to know?” Mrs Hughes fixed him with a stern glare, but Jimmy knew she was more sympathetic to young people’s misbehavior than she let on. “It was a celebration after all… and I’m sure Alfred’s headache tomorrow will be more than enough punishment…”

Mrs Hughes considered. Anna pretended she wasn’t hanging on every word. It was true she had _slightly_ persuaded Alfred to imbibe more than he should in the hopes of having a cover for Jimmy and Thomas, but she didn’t want to poor boy to get penalized for it.

“Well, Mr Barrow, what do you think?” Mrs Hughes swung her gaze to Thomas. “You are young Alfred’s supervisor. He was your responsibility. Do you think he should be punished?”

Thomas straightened up, exhibiting the posture he’d long since perfected, and draped a contrite expression across his features. He was used to taking the blame for some things to help the house run more smoothly. Doubly so if it allowed him to seem responsible and noble, he wasn’t ashamed to admit. Perception was everything.

“You’re absolutely right, Mrs Hughes. He is my charge. I believe you should tell Mr Carson, and allow him to come up with my punishment- and mine alone. As Jimmy said, it was a celebration, and I don’t think the young lad’s excitement should cost him too dear when I should have been paying closer attention,” Thomas answered stoically.

“But Mrs Hughes, Mr Barrow did notice Alfred missing, and even enlisted James to help search for him for hours,” Anna said, trying to keep her voice casual as she continued to press the cloth to Alfred’s face.

“My, aren’t you an altruistic bunch tonight?” Mrs Hughes answered, amused. “Ah…” she sighed, and shook her head. “Mr Carson need not know. But you clean him up, you three, and make sure he’s fit for duty tomorrow,” she said firmly.

“Of course, Mrs Hughes,” Thomas replied.

“I’m going to bed, at last,” she said, departing, still shaking her head.

“Thank you, Mrs Hughes,” Jimmy said as she passed him. She nodded.

“Jimmy,” she said suddenly, turning last minute, “Be sure you nurse that fever. You’ll have to be fit for work tomorrow as well.”

Jimmy only nodded enthusiastically, obediently. She gave the four youths another amused smile, and left.

Silence fell in the small room.

“Thank you, Anna,” Jimmy whispered. He looked over at Thomas, who had said nothing. He widened his eyes at him. _Say something, Barrow._

Thomas cleared his throat. “Yes, thank you, Mrs Bates. This was most… most kind. And unexpected.” His voice had a slightly stiff quality. Thomas didn’t think Anna would go through so much trouble to help him, and he still wasn’t sure how to respond. But, he corrected himself, it was rather more to help Jimmy than him- after all, Jimmy was magnetic, easy to love, easy to care about. Although Anna had always been easier on Thomas than he deserved.

Anna stood up from her place at Alfred’s side. She walked up to the two men. “You’re very welcome, Mr Barrow. Jimmy. I just figured you might…” she dipped her head. “…need some privacy.”

And, she added privately to herself, Jimmy might be a smart lad, but he was a bit headstrong, and she knew when it came to matters of the heart, lovers seldom thought sensibly. So she’d thought up a plan that would ensure Jimmy and Thomas’ absence and presence together not only be explained, but expected under the circumstances.

“And might I say, Anna,” Thomas added, spontaneously, his voice acquiring a more genuine tone, “I’m most impressed at your cunning. I wouldn’t have thought you had it in you.” Thomas wasn’t trying to be sarcastic or nasty, for once. He was truly impressed at the intricacy of her plan, and how it had worked out perfectly.

“Oh, Thomas, I’m sure you know by now I see more than I let on, and I know how to turn a situation to my favor. Remember that snuff box?” She answered, a laugh in her voice.

Thomas allowed himself a moment to think, and then- yes, he remembered. The blue snuff box him and O’Brien had nicked to try and get Bates taken for a thief. He laughed out loud. “Blimey, that was so long ago,” he said, and laughed again. He sometimes felt a prick of regret for the way he carried on, scheming and his nasty remarks. But that’s been his personality for so long, he wasn’t sure how to change, or even if he wanted to. “I hope Bates has forgotten that by now,” he finally said, instead.

“ _Mr_ Bates to you, Barrow,” she said, mock-angrily, the smile still on her lips. Thomas smiled as well, happy to see that for once there was no flare of annoyance or a smart on his pride to have such an exchange. It was almost like the easy friendship he saw between the others, the kind of camaraderie he was always on the outside of.

Jimmy had been looking between them like a spectator at a tennis match. “What are you on about?” he finally interrupted, confusion in his voice. And though it was true- he didn’t have a clue what they were talking about- it filled him with joy to see Thomas’ face light up in laughter, to see Anna being so familiar and warm with him. He liked these two, and he didn’t ever think they would like each other or be so friendly, despite the fact they’d known each other quite long.

Anna looked away from Thomas, and met Jimmy’s eyes. “Thomas will explain it to you,” she said, chuckling.

She looked between Thomas and Jimmy, and she could see the warmth between them. She still didn’t understand where Jimmy’s feelings had come from- he was such a flirt with the girls- but it didn’t matter. It made her heart feel light, even if she’d always been told this sort of thing was unnatural. How could it be unnatural, for two people to find each other.

She pulled Jimmy into a hug. “I’m so happy for you,” she whispered, too low for Thomas to hear. Jimmy blushed. Thomas watched Jimmy’s cheeks redden, and saw Anna’s supportive grin. He wondered what she said to him. He’d have to ask Jimmy later.

She pulled away, and put on a practical tone. “Now, gentlemen, I’m afraid Alfred is your responsibility now. I can’t get him into the men’s quarters, now can I? Please be gentle with him, you were right about that headache he’s going to have tomorrow, Jimmy. I feel guilty for plying him with so much champagne but…” she looked again at the look on Thomas’ face. His expression was relaxed, so laid bare, there was no sign of the indifferent coldness that was so often hitched in place. Instead there was something genuine, something unafraid, something content. “… but not too guilty,” she said. “He’ll live. And he didn’t need much convincing, if I’m being honest.”

“I hope Mr Bates isn’t worried about you?” Thomas asked suddenly, a note of panic in his voice. Had she told Bates about him and Jimmy? “It is quite late.”

She heard the urgency in his voice and took his true meaning. She shook her head. “I haven’t told him everything, but I won’t lie to my husband, Thomas,” she answered firmly. “I told him I had to help Jimmy do something. Which I have.”

Thomas nodded. Bates had helped Thomas keep his position after the disastrous kiss incident, something which had shocked Thomas then and, indeed, had never stopped shocking him. He wondered, not for the first time, if he should just let his hostile preoccupation about Bates go.

“I can’t thank you enough, Anna,” Jimmy said. “For…” He wanted to say something about how her advice that morning had been what pushed the final puzzle piece into place, and what she’d said about how more love in the world could only be a good thing had helped him immensely. “… For everything,” he finished, timidly, shaking his head. He was never good with words.

Anna smiled. She knew he meant it when he said he was grateful, but she could tell he was embarrassed and didn’t know how to phrase it. “You can thank me enough by getting Alfred upstairs and into bed,” she said.

At the sound of his name, Alfred made a noise. “Oh, good, he’s coming around,” Anna said, turning back to him, wiping his brow with the cloth. He moaned again.

Jimmy went to Alfred’s side as well, and Thomas joined him. “It’s alright, Alfred, you had a bit too much to drink, but we’re gonna help you to bed now,” Jimmy said in a soothing voice.

“Nnnnnnn…” came Alfred’s groan. “Carson…”

“Don’t worry about Mr Carson, Alfred, we’ve taken care of it. You owe Mrs Hughes a thank-you,” Thomas said, nodding at Jimmy to indicate they should get him to his feet. Jimmy nodded back, and they hoisted Alfred up between the two of them.

“Alright, Alfred, here we go… that’s it…” Jimmy said, as the three men made their unsteady way to the mens’ servants’ quarters, Alfred still groaning. Anna watched them go, still amused.

She was quite pleased with herself, and stifled a laugh as she saw the ridiculous figure the three of them made together.

Even though they were helping Alfred, she could still see the tenderness between Jimmy and Thomas. Their hands were touching as they both supported Alfred’s back, and just before she turned to go, she saw their eyes meet for only a second before they both looked away, fighting shy smiles.

She sighed sadly. She wished it could be easier for them. But all she could do now is keep their secret, and hope for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was surprised by how much Anna there ended up being in this chapter, because I'd really only intended for her to factor significantly into the first chapter, and this situation with Alfred was originally a happy accident that covered for Thomas and Jimmy (Mrs Hughes was waiting up for them, thinking they were all 3 together, Thomas catches on and comes up with the 'we were looking for him' story, and then they're interrupted by Alfred groaning, etc the rest of the scene was largely the same). But then I realized it made more sense for Anna to be the driving force, and I really love Anna so, here she popped up. And I really liked having the little reminiscing and camaraderie between Anna and Thomas. Anyways, I really hope you're enjoying this story, I've not got many comments, but then again the show has been off the air for two years so what can I expect. But if you leave a kudos please leave a comment as well? I'd really appreciate it, even if it's just a few words. :) Next chapter should be up soon, and so far it's super cute, with a little hurt/comfort, because I'm a big romantic softy so that's the kind of dialogue/inner monologue I write.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much needed talk. And then some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really long for me, about twice as long as the others, and it's also a lot a lot of dialogue, but I hope you enjoy anyway. Characters communicating and saying things that need to be said is my kink.
> 
> TW: passing reference to abuse, internalized homo/biphobia. I also apologize for the binary-reinforcing language when discussing Jimmy's bisexuality, but I figure in the 1920s it's likely the vocabulary the characters would employ.

They’d finally gotten Alfred changed and into bed. Thomas had felt strange changing Alfred’s clothes, but Jimmy was adamant. “He can’t very well sleep in his livery, now can he?” he had said.

“You know Alfred would hate if I… helped him… like that. He’s still a bit uncomfortable around me,” Thomas had argued- well, as much as one can argue while keeping one’s voice to a whisper.

“Because he’s a thickheaded git, who cares,” Jimmy answered, throwing the sheet across the bed and smoothing it, his hair falling into his eyes as he did so. “You know, he once told me to stop being such an ass to you, I’m sure he doesn’t dislike you as much as you think he does.” Jimmy shook his head vigorously trying to move his hair out of his face, to no avail.

“What?” Thomas asked, his motions suspended in surprise at Jimmy’s words.

“Yeah,” Jimmy continued, “the day of the fair.” Thomas was silent, his eyebrows still risen in surprise.

“Go on, then,” Jimmy whispered. “He won’t remember anything anyway, and I can always tell him I’d changed him myself. We’ve got to help him.”

Thomas stayed still for another beat, then sighed and agreed, shaking his head. They’d finished making the bed, and turned to dress Alfred.

When they finished, they paused outside Alfred’s room. They were both nervous about the amount of noise Alfred had generated as they carried him upstairs, throughout cleaning him up, and convincing him to just go back to sleep. But it seems their fear had made the noise louder than it really was, for everything was still and quiet. There was no sign of anyone disturbed.

Thomas and Jimmy became aware they were alone again, in the dark, in the quiet, hearing each other’s breath in the still house.

Thomas met Jimmy’s gaze and swallowed. He still couldn’t believe what had happened. “ _I am falling in love with you,_ ” Jimmy had said. It made his heart stop when he remembered Jimmy’s voice saying those words. Just standing here with him, seeing the affection and desire in his eyes, something he had never even hoped to see there- it overwhelmed him.

“So…” Jimmy whispered after a moment, leaning in close, closer than necessary. Thomas shivered as Jimmy’s breath ghosted over his neck. “Do you really think I’m vexing?” he asked lightheartedly, even with his voice low. _Such a flirt_ , Thomas thought.

“You’re a very vexatious person, Mr Kent, I’m sure you know that,” Thomas answered, not missing a beat. He was impressed by himself, keeping his voice so smooth even though his pulse was racing and he felt lightheaded.

Before Jimmy could answer, they heard Alfred snuffle and turn over. Both their heads snapped to the door, and then they stilled to see if anyone else in the hall’s rooms had stirred. But all was quiet.

Jimmy looked back at Thomas.

“Do you want to…” he trailed off, his gaze flickering to Thomas’ bedroom.

Thomas saw where Jimmy’s eyes led and he swallowed.

 _Yes_ , he was screaming inside his head. _Yes, yes, yes_. “I do,” Thomas whispered. “But…” he added, his voice so low Jimmy might not have even heard. _But the last time I took a risk like this I almost lost everything._

Thomas licked his lips. “Jimmy, what if someone comes in-”

“When’s the last time anyone went in your bedroom uninvited, Thomas?” Jimmy whispered. “They all know you’d throttle them alive if they ever did such a thing.”

Thomas smirked; he had a point. He could count the people who’d been in his room on one hand. The rest of the staff always steered clear of Thomas, and most- but not all- of him liked it that way.

Jimmy knew Thomas had good reason to be careful, but goddamnit, he loved him, he wanted to be with him, and he knew Thomas felt the same way. Thomas had spent too long being alone, denying himself or being denied the things he wanted, even the most basic things like companionship. He wasn’t going to allow Thomas to deny this. He wasn’t going to allow Thomas to spend the night alone, sleepless, analyzing and over-analyzing the evening. His motives weren’t even fueled by desire, not completely. It was also affection, and a need to make sure Thomas believed him.

Jimmy put a hand behind Thomas’ neck, and bent him slightly so Jimmy’s lips were at his ear. “I know you’re scared of being discovered. But we have hours,” Jimmy dragged his lips across Thomas’ cheekbone, and planted a kiss. “… and hours…” he kissed him again. Thomas’ eyes fell closed.

“We’ll be careful, I promise. I’m not even saying we have to… to…” he stuttered and his words stopped. He wasn’t even sure what would happen if he and Thomas were alone in a bedroom together. He just knew he wanted to be alone with him, desperately. He wanted to lavish him with kisses and soft words, he wanted to feel him, to explore, to sigh together and breathe together. “We don’t have to do… anything… I’m not even sure I’m ready to…” his words trailed off, a hint of blush creeping into his cheeks. Thomas’ attention was seized and his eyes snapped open.

“Jimmy.” He took Jimmy’s hand from his neck, and held it in his own over his chest. “I don’t expect- I will never ask you to do anything you don’t want to do.” Thomas’ eyes were so bright, his face still, and his voice deathly serious. Jimmy nodded. “I know you wouldn’t. But you’re not,” he said. Clarifying, he added, “you’re not asking me to do anything I don’t want. This _is_ what I want.”

 Jimmy took his hand gently out of Thomas’ and laid it across his cheek. Thomas’ eyes were flicking back and forth between Jimmy’s.

Jimmy swallowed. He felt as nervous as he had before he’d been with a girl for the first time. “I only meant I don’t know if I’m ready to do… _everything_.” He swallowed again. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to do _nothing_. I’m sure there are various- I mean, there are different-” Jimmy could tell he was rambling, and he saw Thomas’ mouth start to break into a slightly amused smile, and though he was embarrassed, he was glad to see the seriousness melt a bit.

“You know what I mean, you tosser,” Jimmy said, a grin breaking out on his own face, taking his hand and punching Thomas’ shoulder lightly. “Are you gonna make me spell it out?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh, you’re just so- earnest and,” a laugh escaped him. “Your hair keeps falling in your eyes, and I just think you’re...”

“What?” Jimmy answered, breathless at the sight of Thomas smiling. To see the ice melt and his face light up in laughter, it made his heart flip.

“Cute,” Thomas admitted. He reached up a hand and brushed the hair out of Jimmy’s face.

“ _Cute_?” Jimmy said, trying to sound mock-offended, trying not to let a tremor into his voice. A tremor Thomas’ hand had caused. How did the slightest gesture undo him? “You think I’m _cute_?”

“You _are_ cute, and you know it,” Thomas answered, stifling another laugh.

Jimmy smiled, but he wouldn’t be deterred. “But, Thomas, I’m being serious. Can we please…” Jimmy gestured to Thomas’ room. The smile didn’t completely fade off Thomas’ face, but it lessened a watt or two. “I just want to spend some time with you,” Jimmy continued, somewhat feebly. “I want to convince you.”

“Convince me of what?” Thomas answered, darting glances to both ends of the hall. They had lingered out here too long.

“Convince you that this is real and I’m here and I love-” Jimmy’s voice caught on the word. He was not used to saying such things, but with Thomas, his emotions were so potent, they overpowered. He couldn’t conceal them. He stared into Thomas’ eyes. “I love you,” he finished.

Thomas inhaled sharply at the naked affection apparent in Jimmy’s voice and gaze, and felt the rest of his smile glide off his face. Jimmy had already said it, of course, but Thomas didn’t think he’d ever get used to hearing it. _Or believe him._

Jimmy noticed the change of Thomas’ expression at his words. It was just disbelief, pure shock, maybe a hint of worry. There were flickers of joy around the edges, but for the most part it was wariness and incredulity. It broke Jimmy’s heart; he truly believed himself unloved and unlovable.

“I love you,” Jimmy repeated, because he could. And because he knew it was something Thomas hadn’t heard from another person nearly enough. Jimmy lifted his face up again, and brought his lips within a hair’s breadth of Thomas’ lips. Thomas stopped breathing; he couldn’t move- but then Jimmy changed course and kissed Thomas on the cheek. Very quick, chaste, and yet it made something in Thomas’ stomach flutter.

“I’m gonna go change, and I’ll meet you in your room,” Jimmy said, and he reached down to give Thomas’ hand a squeeze.

“You’re a tease,” Thomas whispered.

Jimmy only winked. “Five minutes,” he said, and then he was gone.

\---

Thomas couldn’t concentrate. He undressed, but he kept getting distracted. Jimmy’s words, Jimmy’s hands, Jimmy’s tongue, they were flooding his memory every time he closed his eyes. He could still feel the sensations on his neck, his scalp, his mouth. Bizarrely, it was easier to believe the day’s events now that he was alone. It was like the neon imprint on your eyelids after a bright light, confirming the light’s existence.

He pulled on some cotton sleep pants, remembering Jimmy’s hands on either side of his face. He still wasn’t sure that Jimmy knew what he was doing, but he couldn’t deny Jimmy’s insistent attentions had really happened. Such things had only happened in Thomas’ dreams, or daytime thoughts that got away from him, and the fact they had occurred in the waking world was still making his mind reel.

Thomas reached for a white undershirt in his dresser, and then he heard the small creak of his door open, and then the click as it shut. He turned around.

Jimmy was surprised how much the sight of Thomas bare from the waist up affected him. He was entrancing, and Jimmy was trying not to stare. Thomas was so lean, but the muscles of back, arms, and chest were slightly defined; perhaps not as sharply cut as they were during his days in the army, but still there. He knew how to throw a punch, and how to do heavy lifting, and it showed. Jimmy decided he didn’t care if he seemed like a lovesick boy (wasn’t he?). This moment had been floating in the back of his mind, in his dreams, his daydreams, for months. It was now unfolding before him, and he didn’t have to avert his eyes, try to distract himself, or tell himself lies. He could stare at Thomas in adoration like he always craved to do. He could drink in his appearance like a traveler given water. There was nothing, nothing, but him.

The look on Jimmy’s face made Thomas’ breath catch. He’d never had someone look at him this way before, like he was art. There were no words in his mind to convey what such a gaze made him feel.

Jimmy said nothing, but approached him by the dresser. Thomas swallowed as he came closer, his shirt still in his hands. Jimmy’s eyes were burning him, like the sun. He had to look away.

“Don’t do that,” Jimmy said, softly.

“Do what?” Thomas asked, even though he knew.

Jimmy didn’t reply, he just reached a hand to Thomas’ chin and gently pulled his face back towards him.

He kissed him.

Thomas didn’t think he’d ever get used to this feeling- Jimmy’s lips on his, Jimmy’s tongue in his mouth, Jimmy’s hand on his neck. It overwhelmed. He’d thought about this, of course. He had tried not to, since it would lead nowhere except back the way he’d came, broken and defeated and alone. But his dreams had been nothing to this. He heard a whimper and realized it was him.

Jimmy’s head was swimming. Every sense he had was over stimulated- sight, taste, sound, feel, smell. It was all Thomas. He felt Thomas’ skin under his hand, smooth and soft. One hand was on his neck, and his other wandered to Thomas’ shoulder, before moving lower along his side, his abdomen. He’d never touched a man like this before, and he wasn’t eager to stop. He didn’t know what path they were on, or where it would lead, he just wanted to touch him. He snaked a hand over his hip, his waist, his back, and pulled him closer.

Thomas’s hand was buried in Jimmy’s hair, his glorious, sweet-smelling golden hair. His other hand was clutching the small of Jimmy’s back; the shirt Thomas had been holding must be on the floor somewhere.

Jimmy seemed so much softer, dressed down for sleep. The last time he’d seen him so was that night he’d kissed him. Coupled with the feel of his lips against his own, it made the memory of that night bloom potent in his mind. Suddenly other details burst like fireworks behind his eyes:  the small spark of hope that had lit his insides; the same spark being utterly demolished; Jimmy’s expression of disgust, of rage; the harsh quality of Jimmy’s voice as he’d told him to get out. “ _There’s nothing between us!_ ” The shout echoed in his ears as clear as the night it was spoken.

He didn’t realize he’d broken the kiss until he’d already pushed slightly past Jimmy. Thomas brought his hand up to his lips, absentmindedly rubbing them. He could still feel Jimmy’s hand on his back, the space between them vanishing. He could also still hear the angry shout from his memory. The two were at complete odds with each other and he felt quite dizzy, caught between them. Jimmy wanting him in the present, and Jimmy hating him in the past.

“Thomas?” he heard Jimmy behind him. He sounded so confused.

 Thomas turned back around. This was the moment, the moment he decided to tell the truth or lie. But one look at Jimmy’s face and the choice was made for him. He could never lie to him. Even the night of the fair, still thinking Jimmy hated him, he hadn’t been able to answer him dishonestly when asked if he’d followed him.

“I’m afraid.” Thomas’ eyelids fluttered as the words left his mouth. He hated this, he hated showing vulnerability.

Jimmy’s look of confusion deepened, and he quirked his head to the side. “Afraid of what? Of me?”

Thomas pressed his lips together, and then opened his mouth, jutting his jaw to the side slightly in a nervous twitch as he tried to string the words together. He couldn’t think of an eloquent way to phrase it. So he didn’t try.

“I’m afraid this is all a mistake.” Thomas lifted his eyes to the ceiling as he spoke, willing himself to stay emotionless. “I’m afraid you’ll wake up and start yelling and pushing me away, telling me to get out, like you did bef-”

“Thomas.” Jimmy interrupted him. Thomas closed his eyes, clenched his jaw. “Please believe me. I’m here because I want to be here. Because I want you. Because I love you. I’ve loved you for months. I’ve wanted you for _years_. I just didn’t _know_.”

Thomas’ jaw was still clenched. It wasn’t quite the tight smirk, the kind he wore when he either didn’t know what to say, or the person he was speaking to didn’t deserve a verbal response, but it was in the same vein. He wasn’t looking at him. The sight of the artifice, the guardedness, stirred his next words. Jimmy came closer to Thomas, and reached a hand up to his cheek. Thomas’ eyes snapped to Jimmy’s.

“Don’t do that,” Jimmy said again. “You look away, you lock yourself up.”

Thomas nodded. Jimmy continued, his deep voice in a soft whisper. The fact Thomas felt like this, and that he was partially responsible, made Jimmy literally feel pain, somewhere in his chest.

“I remember you once told me, you liked to appear sure of yourself, but underneath you’re not sure at all. And the idea you have a mask on all the time, the mask of someone indifferent, and cold… I want to help you take it off. Or at least, you don’t have to wear it with me. Because I’ve seen beneath it, and it’s not so terrible.”

Thomas flinched as his words landed, but covered Jimmy’s hand with his own. He didn’t think he’d remember that conversation. “Please try to trust me to know my own mind. I’m not lying to you, and I’m not unsure. I feel like I’ve been stumbling about in a confused daydream for months and only woke up today.”

Thomas’ took in Jimmy’s face: his wide eyes, his swollen lips. He still looked confused. “Jimmy, I… I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, so, just let me say,” Thomas took a deep breath. “My… feelings about you… never went anywhere. They never changed. I think I’ve been a goner for you since the second I saw you. And after everything, I still was.” Thomas’ looked him in the eye. “I still am.”

Jimmy swallowed. The words made something between Jimmy’s ribs flutter. It wasn’t new information but it still sent shockwaves through him.

“I’m just afraid.” Thomas gave a small shrug, his shoulders barely rising. It didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would, confessing his fear. Even when Thomas and Jimmy had just been friends, he’d been closer with him than any other friends he’d had, except maybe O’Brien. “I’m trying to trust you, I am, but it’s not something I really know how to do,” Thomas continued.

Jimmy nodded. “I’ll help you.”

“Maybe if I tried to explain,” Jimmy said after a moment. He supposed he was actually glad of the interruption. He was nervous himself about the physical boundaries they had still to cross, but it was so difficult to try to be logical when everything in him was screaming for more contact. “Like I said, I’m not ready to- I mean, I don’t really know-” Jimmy, said, finding the words for his thoughts, even as his gaze dragged across Thomas’ abdomen. He knew the look across his face could only be described as a gawk, but he couldn’t help it. He’d never seen Thomas this way before: his normally pristinely smooth hair was mussed from Jimmy’s own hand. His eyes, so often shielded, were bright with desire and nerves, the usually hidden emotion very nearly spilling from them. His bare skin, with its dusting of black hair, was flushed pink across the chest and neck.

 Jimmy’s next words surprised even himself.“But, I want to. I know I want to, I know I want you. I’m not sure how to- or what to-” Jimmy closed his eyes for a second, to gather his thoughts. “I just want to go slow because I don’t want to fuck it up.”

Thomas smiled. “Fuck it up?”

“I mean, what if I’m rubbish at it?” Jimmy said, his cheeks burning once again. He was always so sure of himself when it came to bedroom matters, before. But with Thomas, everything was new. He was aware of the basics, what two men would do together, but he had never before placed himself within such parameters. God, it was so hard to focus with Thomas half-naked in front of him.

“Jimmy, I doubt you’re rubbish in _that_ area of love,” Thomas said, a laugh still in his voice. He glanced at the floor and saw his shirt lying there. He quickly scooped it up, feeling foolish for having dropped it in the first place. He wondered if he’d put off finishing getting dressed because, somewhere, he liked the effect he’d had on Jimmy when he’d walked in. Thomas wasn’t one to hold any delusions of modesty or humility. He knew he was attractive, he knew how to use his beauty to his advantage, and he supposed perhaps somewhere in his subconscious he’d indeed been using it. It seemed like a cheap thing to do to Jimmy, though, and he finally pulled the shirt over him.

When he reached his hands above his head to pull his shirt on, Jimmy’s gaze was again sharply drawn to the panes of his chest, his navel, and lower-

Thomas coughed. It snapped Jimmy’s eyes back up. Thomas was covered now, and he looked sheepish, as though Jimmy’s staring had embarrassed him.

Thomas couldn’t help but think, wryly, that it was a bit unequal for Jimmy to get to see Thomas shirtless without returning the favor, although he never would have said so. Thomas was reminded of the time he’d seen him changing, one of those first nights. He was just as gorgeous tonight as he’d been then.

He didn’t think he’d ever get used to how Jimmy was looking at him. It was different than the vulnerable, soft gaze he’d employed earlier. Now it was… hunger. Want. Thomas knew it was only a matter of time before they succumbed to each other. The desire between them was so thick it reminded him of heavy perfume. Thomas gave a shake of the head, trying to clear it. Jimmy had asked for a slow pace, and that he would get. He would let Jimmy decide. Thomas had waited this long, and indeed had been prepared to go the rest of his life without being with Jimmy this way.

“You’re so beautiful,” Thomas heard Jimmy say. His head snapped up. Jimmy’s expression was so genuine even as his already-present blush deepened.

“You must’ve heard that before,” Jimmy said, at Thomas’ surprised jerk of the head.

Thomas considered. “Maybe.

“You are,” Jimmy was staring into Thomas’ eyes. “I can’t believe it took me so long to realize. I feel like such a git. If I had just listened to myself instead of pushing everything away, pushing everything down-”

Thomas’ brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Jimmy sighed. Nervousness was suddenly flooding him. He rubbed his palms on his legs before they clenched into fists. His eyes searched the room, wondering where to sit. The bed? That would make it even harder to concentrate on talking. One of the chairs, then- or did that seem standoffish?

Thomas saw Jimmy’s eyes darting. He took his hand gently, and led him to the bed. Jimmy was glad one of them was taking charge. He discovered he liked the idea of Thomas taking charge of him- the thought didn’t help him think clearer.

Thomas sat down and pulled Jimmy down next to him. Jimmy’s face was still, and his hands were clenched.

“Hey,” Thomas whispered. “Are you alright? Just ‘cause we’re on a bed doesn’t mean I’m gonna leap on you. You can leave any ti-”

“I don’t want to leave, I want to speak, and I can’t get the words out,” Jimmy answered immediately, the words slightly muffled as his teeth were clenched. Thomas’ words had put images in his head that, of course, made it more difficult to think. But Thomas’ presence beside him also grounded him. His presence was always a comfort, even when he’d tried to pretend it wasn’t. “I’ve never been good with words.”

“Take your time,” Thomas said. He used to be much the same, under his father’s roof where speaking a truth like the truth Thomas lived would only invite pain. But he suspected the root of Jimmy’s problems was different.

“The thing is,” Jimmy started, and stopped. “The thing is, I’ve spent my whole life trying not to think about it, trying to ignore it. That now it’s hard to. It’s hard to-” His voice lapsed again. He shook his head.

Jimmy looked at Thomas, hoping his face would loosen his words, as it had before. Thomas was silent; his expression was rapt but gentle. His brow was still slightly furrowed, but there was no impatience, no pressure.

Jimmy felt something bright surge up his spine, like the feeling he’d had earlier in the night when he’d kissed Thomas for the first time.

“Trying to ignore what?” Thomas coaxed gently. He watched Thomas’ mouth move.

“That I wasn’t… like other boys. Other men. Not all the way,” Jimmy whispered, still staring at Thomas’ mouth. He was so quiet, Thomas had to lean in slightly to hear.

Jimmy continued: “I liked girls, I could talk about them, and flirt with them, have fun with them, like lads are supposed to.” Jimmy was right in thinking looking at Thomas would help him find the words. Once again, as soon as he started he couldn’t stop.

“But I noticed… things. I wasn’t supposed to. About boys. Too.” Jimmy looked away, staring across the room as the painful, confusing memories of his adolescence resurfaced.

Jimmy’s words made Thomas’ heart ache. It was so similar to his own story, except of course Thomas never cared a fig about girls. He was sure it wasn’t too much of a help to Jimmy, though, being attracted to women as well as men. It probably had its own set of difficulties.

Jimmy was shaking his head again. “It was always there, in the back of my mind, and I tried not to think about it, and I never really had to think about it because I always had a pretty girl to distract myself with, even if sometimes I forced it to try and ignore- to ignore- the other feelings.” Jimmy was thinking of Ivy now. He wasn’t really attracted to Ivy, he just made such a _display_ of flirting with her to throw off anyone who’d noticed how smitten he was with Thomas. And to annoy Alfred, naturally.

Jimmy had never devoted so much thought to this subject before. He had never strung these words or these thoughts together, and it was only as they were leaving his mouth did he realize they were true. The realization that this truth about himself had always been fully formed in his brain somewhere sent his mind reeling.

Thomas’ eyes were wide as Jimmy spoke. He’d known people like Jimmy, people whose attractions were more fluid, and he couldn’t deny that what Jimmy was saying answered every one of his even most outlandish prayers, but he still felt a tug of sadness. Because Thomas knew that kind of loneliness, that kind of denial, that want and need to just fit in, the wish for whatever had been called wrong and ugly about his nature to just go away. He had stopped denying the truth about himself when he was about 14, but every now and then a prayer for his feelings for men to vanish still meandered through his mind.

Thomas took Jimmy’s hand, and intertwined their fingers. Jimmy’s eyes snapped to their interlocked hands. It gave him the strength to continue.

“When you kissed me,” Jimmy said, “I couldn’t not think about it anymore. It was there, in my mind, every second. It just kept building. It wouldn’t go away. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, thinking about you.” He met Thomas’ eyes again. Thomas swallowed. Jimmy’s expression was so tender. “I was so- angry, but after the fair- what you’d done for me, and hearing you ask to be friends…”

Thomas remembered. He was at such a loss for how to behave with Jimmy that night. He was sure he looked awful, his face covered in abrasions and cuts. He had felt so pathetic and small, having _followed_ Jimmy like some obsessed _pervert_ , that when Jimmy had called him brave it nearly made his heart stop. He remembered he hadn’t really known what to do with his hands, or what tone of voice he should use. His entire life was a performance, he’d made sure to get how he was perceived under his control from a young age. His stance, his expression, his tone: it was always a deliberate choice, and most of the time he settled on absolute unreadability, glossed over with smugness. But in the end, he’d just done away with all pretence. He had been too exhausted to keep it up.

“All the confusion and anger started to melt away,” Jimmy was saying, “until there wasn’t anything left except the simple fact that, the reason I couldn’t stop thinking about it was because it _didn’t_ disgust me as much as I pretended it did. As much as I hoped it did. As much as I thought it should have.”

Thomas could see Jimmy relaxing. His fists had uncurled, his shoulders weren’t so tense. He could tell this was something that had been like an iron shackle around Jimmy and it was finally being taken off. “And once I realized what the memory of the kiss _didn’t_ make me feel, I realized the things it _did_ make me feel. And, well.” Jimmy nodded, and gestured in a conspiratory way. “You know.” Thomas’ face broke into a smile. That he did.

“I’d… ignored it for so long,” Jimmy sighed again. “I’d pushed it away whenever it came to the forefront. I fancied girls, girls fancied me, I felt normal enough most of the time. But I think that’s why O’Brien was able to twist me so easily. She landed on my fear, my fear of being… different. It went as far as it did because she kept insisting people would think I was ‘the same sort’. She played me like a fiddle.”

Jimmy closed his eyes. He hadn’t realized what a weight was in his chest until now, now that it was gone.

“She did the same to me.” Thomas shook his head, at the memory of how easily she’d deceived him. “She knew how lonely I was. She saw I wanted you and made me think you wanted me back, and sat back to watch me burn.” His tone turned bitter.

Jimmy opened his eyes. “She wasn’t wrong. I did want you back. I just didn’t know it. It scared me, it made me uncomfortable, but it was there. That night I was playing piano, and your hand was on my neck…” Jimmy shivered, remembering. It had made heat bloom below his stomach, and he was particularly emphatic in his complaint to O’Brien that night for that reason.

Thomas lifted his hand to the back of Jimmy’s neck, almost his shoulder. “Like this?” The angle was different than that night at the piano, but the gesture was otherwise the same: the languid caress, the subtle pressure.

“Yeah,” Jimmy breathed. He licked his lips, and he saw Thomas’ eyes dart to his mouth. It made his head swim, to see such an immediate reaction.

Thomas lifted his eyes to Jimmy’s, making sure Jimmy was comfortable. He returned his gaze to his mouth, leaned in, and claimed his lips. Jimmy’s eyes fell closed, and he opened his mouth, feeling his tongue meet Thomas’. Jimmy moaned softly; the sound went straight to Thomas’ groin. Jimmy’s hands found Thomas’ neck, and he let Jimmy pull him close.

It wasn’t enough. Jimmy gripped Thomas’ shirt, around the place lapels would be on a jacket, and pulled- alright, _yanked_ \- him, hard, falling swiftly back as he did so. Thomas gasped and their lips broke apart. Jimmy’s head met the softness of Thomas’ pillow, and he felt Thomas settle on top of him, somewhat awkwardly as he tried not to lose balance. Jimmy groaned as one of Thomas’ legs pressed gently between Jimmy’s. He realized he could feel Thomas was hard, as one of his legs was between Thomas’ as well. His head was swimming; Thomas was above him, a raven lock of hair fallen into his eyes as he gazed down at him.

“What’re we-” Thomas began.

“I don’t know,” Jimmy answered, surprised he could form words at all. “I want more.”

Thomas took his hand and touched Jimmy’s cheek, then ran his fingers across his plump lips before bringing his mouth down again. He could feel Jimmy, hard against him, and he moved his leg slightly, pressing against him. Jimmy groaned into his mouth, and he mirrored the gesture eliciting a similar noise from Thomas.

“Take this off,” Jimmy muttered, his hands around the hem of Thomas’ shirt, pulling it up. Thomas laughed at Jimmy’s eagerness, and felt the vestiges of worry fade. Jimmy wanted him, Jimmy knew his own mind and knew what he wanted, and he wanted Thomas.

They got the shirt over his head, and Jimmy put a hand on Thomas’ bare chest, pushing him away. A shot of fear went though him like a slice- had he changed his mind?- but it was only to raise himself to a sitting position, and pull his own shirt off.

Thomas closed his eyes to try and rid himself of the panic that had risen. He was on his knees slightly above Jimmy, who was sitting somewhat unsteadily as he removed his shirt and threw it to the floor.

Jimmy could see a flush creeping up Thomas’ chest and neck again. He had seen an expression of doubt and fear flare across Thomas’ features, if only for a second, and Jimmy wanted to drive it completely away. He grabbed Thomas’ shoulders, and gently pushed him backward, getting to his knees and maneuvering himself above Thomas. Thomas only stared at Jimmy in wonder and want, and didn’t resist as he was pushed backwards, falling softly atop the blanket.

Jimmy dipped his head, claiming the skin of Thomas’ jaw, and then neck. Thomas made a noise, a soft whimper that never left his throat, and Jimmy smiled.

Thomas could feel Jimmy’s lips curl against his skin, and almost wanted to say something cheeky, but the sensation of Jimmy’s tongue on his Adam’s apple stilled his wit. “Oh,” was all he could say. Jimmy was on top of him, and Thomas reached a hand to clutch Jimmy’s back.

“God, you’re so soft,” Jimmy whispered, his hand on Thomas’ neck and his mouth on his clavicle. Thomas' eyes were shut tight and he was breathing hard. He tried to grasp the fact this was happening; Jimmy was here, Jimmy was kissing him, they were half naked, and each of them hard, and grasping at each other-

“I’ve been told,” Thomas gasped out. Philip especially had liked to remark on it.

“I’m not surprised,” Jimmy answered, before deciding that was quite enough talk and covering Thomas’ mouth with his own once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was another one that gave me a hard time. I worked on it every single day and right now I'm the happiest I've been with it, and there's also a healthy amount of "I can't look at this anymore and I'm posting it." I hope you all enjoy reading this, please please leave a comment!!!! I love critique!!!! And I need encouragement I'm not ashamed to say!!!! Thank you :)
> 
> PS: also, shameless plug here, but feel free to follow me on twitter @ ashaggreyjoy where there is much Thomas-related suffering as I'm currently doing a rewatch of Downton from the beginning. :)))))


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